Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Revival Comes With Changes

Jenny is back.

I've been gone for a long time--for about the entire, most important semester of my life. There was really no other reason other than discouragement and distraction. But I've felt my abandon blog scratch at the back of my mind since I left it, and had to return to get the itching guilt away. As a treat to it, I gave it a makeover. I changed the layout, the name [previously New Beginnings and New Experiences], and ditched the strict schedule.

Lots has happened since I've been absent. My life has been going down a perfect road since the first day of school. It's been [almost] everything I could ask for in starting my new life. The freedom I've felt has been immensely liberating. For once, I don't have to answer to anybody, I don't have to follow someone else's schedule, or do what they want. I can play NPR when I want and cook what I want and clean when I feel like it [which is about everyday, but still...]. Maybe I'm not exactly an adult yet, but I have felt like it. Everyday in this apartment has been a blissful reenactment of adult life from a child.

For once in my life, I have become secure and happy with who I am, not who I want to be. I no longer feel the need to lie or exaggerate about my life in order to "sound cool". I've realized that the best way to be cool is to be yourself. It just took me since kindergarten to figure that out. And now, I go home with no regrets and tons more friends.

And speaking of friends, I have made one true, invaluable friend. I have been craving the company of another girl like me for a year now. I felt antsy about it all summer, and most of the time dreamed about moving to Buffalo just so I can have options of people. She's everything I could ask for in a friend, and there isn't a single requirement I had for a friend that she doesn't meet. For once, I feel that not only does somebody understand me, but feels the same way I do. I understand that a lot of my readers can't understand this, especially because I could never be called a "loner" in high school. I definitely always had people to talk to and call "friend", but never anybody that made me feel complete the way a best friend could make you feel.

I have learned a lot of things about school too. I understand that community college is really not that much, but I will admit that it's been a good transition between high school and university. I learned that my charm doesn't work on college professors for starters. I also learned that nobody wants to break down how colleges work for you, that they really just leave you to figure it out. And trust me, if I knew, I would explain it, but there's just seriously some piece of vital information that's missing that could be the connecting piece. Community college is really an expensive high school, which can piss me off a lot of times, but at this point in my life, I know that it's a lot easier than taking on a lot of difficult classes. Slow and steady wins the race even if I want to take out at a sprint.

I haven't written much, even off of my blog this entire time. I found myself too high strung to sit down and write anything of substance that had length. So I started focusing a lot on my journal. I changed my journal style, and decided to keep my journal closer to myself than I ever have before. Anything that needs to be written down, and at any time, will go in there. Even if it's a note to "Study your math BITCH!" studiously colored in during math class.

Sometimes, I am afraid of the world, and want to hide. Sometimes, I nap too often and procrastinate too much. Sometimes I feel as if I'm doing too much, and other times I feel as if I'm doing too little. But for once, I'm happy about it, because it's my choice. I live the way I want to. And I am proud to say that I live with more ethics and morals today than I did when I was living with my parents, and even with my grandparents. I am proud to say that I am turning into the woman I want to be. And even if I leave tomorrow, I will carry this experience with me forever.

And with this blog, I close out the summer portion of my blog about New Beginnings and New Experiences and bring you a dream full of dreams, and schemes, and hopefully the realities I make of these. I hope you continue to read and continue to enjoy. I also hope that you comment, whether it's here or on facebook, to tell me what you thought of my entries, not because I want an ego stroke, but because I actually want to hear what you have to say.

And with that, I am going to PicDrop you with some of my favorites from this semester.

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