Just a Few Thoughts

Here's what's running through my mind right now.

1.) I was never a fan of Robert DeNiro. Yes, I thought he was a wonderful actor, but he just wasn't my bag. Until I saw Taxi Driver. Oooh, the angst, the muscles, the guns, the italian scowl, the hair! The emotion he held in that movie, the anger towards all the disgusting thing happening in the movies, the inability to do anything about it, the way he held his feelings inside and locked it with those tightly pursed lips... he was just too beautiful. He just became sexier than Edward Norton in "Fight Club"


2.) Tomato juice is really good. Especially with a little bit of lime and salt. As soon as I finish this blog, I'm going to have a glass.

3.) My editor Cheryl is simply amazing. Everytime I screw up [like forget to get a picture on an already late article], she tells me not to beat myself up about it. She just recently told me a story how she once had to do a "People On The Street" section and she had to take pictures of the people she asked questions for in the snow. she got back to write the article and found that she forgot to add the film. It's not OK to make mistakes, but I'm learning that when I do, I shouldn't pout and put myself in a funk over it.

4.) Dee Gray is a wonderful woman who makes me feel great about myself and my writing. You can find my brief of her business here and her own blog here. She's a real sweet woman who supports buying locally and American which is such a powerful thing to do these days.I stopped in to say hello to her since I was doing an interview in the same business and she told me that she loved my writing. So I want to thank her for her lovely words. It's people like these that are my fuel to my writing.

5.) I have very messed up eyebrows. I guess it's time to do something about them? I'm tired of looking like a neanderthal.

You Saw It Here First!: Historical Day

Historical Day has provided the people of Alcona with an opportunity to become aware of their county’s rich history for years. It is just one of the many events the Historical Society offers Alcona, including Depot and Log Cabin Day.

Held at the Sturgeon Point Lighthouse, August 8th from 11 am to 4pm, this year’s event will include intriguing activities that one cannot experience anytime else. The activities start with Jim Johnson speaking of the history of commercial fishing in Northeast Michigan at 12am. Next, speaker Gideon Robarge will talk about the history of CCC camps in Alcona at 1pm.

The newest and most exciting event this year happens next with a walking tour to the Marine City shipwreck where a freighter/passenger ship sunk in 1880. This is the first tour of Marine City ever given, where artifacts still wash ashore. A little boy recently found an 1880 purse, and a diver found a purse. Janet Higgins will walk people out to the site at 1:30 pm where they can still see the rudder of the ship from the beach. They are encouraged to bring their bathing suits.

For those who do not wish to see the shipwreck, there will be a kite flying demonstration on the beach at the same time. At 2:30pm, the staff from Bailey’s School will play old fashion school yard games with the children attending.

The activities will be finished at 3pm with the presentation of memorials and dedications. This year they will be presenting a flag pole in dedication to Don Sawyer, the past president of the Historical Society. Richard Parks, a past member and volunteer of the Historical Society will have a bench dedicated in his name, and Yvonne Wilson, a past president and member as well, will have a tree dedicated in her name.

Aside from the planned activities, there are plenty of opportunities to have fun. There will be historical and art displays and the chance to climb the lighthouse tower. Brats, burgers, strawberry shortcake and beverages will be sold and all the proceeds will go to the Paint Can Fund to help repaint the historical lighthouse. This is also a Passport of the Arts Event.

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I know it seems that I haven't been writing any articles, but I have. I just haven't been putting them on my blog. So here's my latest and... ehhh... sort of iffy about it, but it's an article, and there's not much I can do about it.

5 Weird Things I Used To Do.

I was recently talking to my boyfriend and a friend of mine about how I used to be weird... like really weird. Let's face it, I'm weird, but not as weird as I used to be. Having a boyfriend and a life mellowed me out a lot. Sometimes I wish I was still weird, but then I think about the really strange things I used to do, and I'm glad I'm a functional human being now. I tag anyone with a personal blog to do a list of weird things they did themselves.

1.) Carry a stuffed animal to school.
It was a little stuffed pig named Charlotte. I used to carry all my stuff in a stack; school book, binder, and pig and pencil case right next to each other. Oh, I thought I was the cutest and funniest thing, carrying that pig around. It went through hell because kids thought it would be funny to take it from me, hide it, throw it around, etc. In truth, I was begging to get teased for it. And now, if I saw a kid in the grades 6-8 carrying around a stuffed animal, I would give her and it hell too.

2.) Wear small ponytails in my hair
For a little bit during the 8th grade, I would create tons of tiny little ponytails in my hair, using rubber bands for braces. How is that attractive?

3.) Be afraid of anything unchristian.
I used to have a TV in my room when I lived in Japan that only picked up a few channels; one American channel, and 3 Japanese channels. I once stumbled upon a Japanese kids shows with fluffy monster mascots, kids, and songs. And I seriously thought that they were worshipping some Japanese demon with their bubbly, catchy songs and refused to watch it. I thought it was like "Veggie Tales" or "The Donut Man" only in Japanese and for their god. I also refused to watch Harry Potter because I thought it was sacriligous. I soon got over this and watched those "demon-worshiping" shows to help me learn Japanese, and fell in love with Daniel Radcliff.

4.) Try to embellish my clothes with things you shouldn't embellish clothes with.
When I wanted to make my outfit a little bit more colorful than it was, I would do stupid things with it. I used to pin buttons to my pants, and use SO much ribbon, it was a crime. I would tie ribbon in my hair, around my neck, on my shoes, in my earrings, around my pant legs... everywhere. I would often go to school thinking that I looked funky fun, but actually looking like I was attacked by a tinsel monster.

5.) Write fan fictions
I guess this is one weird thing that I am not all together ashamed of. I am ashamed of the horrible writing I did, but not ashamed of the act. Fan Fictioning actually helped me a lot in my life and writing. I escaped through it, I found that I could be ANYTHING if I made myself a character in one of my favorite stories or TV shows. Yes, it was a sick escape from reality, but really fun. And it helped my writing progress.

Sweet Salsa

Should salsa be sweet? I don't know, ask your taste buds. Do they like that sugarey tastes or savory tastes? Or are they one of those buds that like a mix of both. If this is the case, they would beg for cherry salsa.

My grandmother and aunt found Cherry Republic in Traverse City when my grandfather was getting his surgery. It is a cherry haven. They have everything you can ever want in cherry flavors-- cherry balsamic vinegar, cherry sangria, cherry soap... and cherry salsa. It sort of reminds me of that Pepto Bismol commerical; "My friend is having a cherry overload!" Really, this store is only for hardcore cherry lovers.

My grandmother brought home this cherry salsa. I was a little bit weiry, but I try everything. It's sweet, it tastes like a cherry, but it also has a moderate amount of tomatoes and quite a kick to it. I don't know how much I love it as a snack with chips, it's a bit too sweet for my taste, but I'm not really a sweets kinda gal. But it is delicious as a marinade and garnish for chicken. Leave the chicken in the salsa, let it soak up the flavor, then bake it with the salsa on it. With what you have left from the jar, top it off.

You can order cherry salsa here and you can find all things cherry at http://www.cherryrepublic.com/

Don't forget the cherry Pepto!

Coming Soon!

I will be tweaking my blog once I make my official move to Buffalo. Here's what you can expect.

Tasty Tuesday

A recipe that I have tried, with tips and how it tastes.

Review Wednesday

Where I will review something, anything. It can range from a book, band, movie, or snack.

Tip Top Thursday

This day will bring you either a tip, tutorial, or advice. Reader input is encouraged.

F%$*ed up Fiction Press Friday

I will give a list of 5-7 ridicululosly effed up fictionpress summaries.

Super Story Saturday

Either I will profile a good fictionpress story, or post some of my own writing.

Sundays and Mondays are for me to either not blog at all, or write whatever I want. I figured this would keep my blog more focused, keep me dedicated, and make it interesting. However, I can't start until I'm living on my own and have all my own time and space. This new arrangement will arrive in about a month.

Packing Part 1

Packing is not new to me. I have moved more times than I can count on 1 hand. It's never the packing and leaving that's the hardest part for me, it's limiting all my stuff. I am a bonafide pack rat. I don't know what a trash can is. Now I am going to be moving into a very small apartment and I won't have room for half my things.

The things I collect the most are papers actually. I never throw papers away. For the longest time I was cutting papers up into little squares to make homemade paper [never did get around to doing it...] and now I'm into a new habit of stapling together papers with blank sides to make new notebooks. I even keep my magazines and such to use for origami paper.

But paper is easy to get rid of, so today I tackled my papers. I found papers from 11th grade english class. It's my secret that I actually did turn all of those papers into notebooks. But I threw out all the magazines and such I was going to use for origami paper. So... good for me.

I tore apart my beloved Season 2 LOST poster in the process, which I am just as torn up about as the poster is.

I'm going to have to take a loss on my collection of LOST and HEROES action figures which I love to have around. They will stay here, in a box, all alone, in my grandparent's dangerous attic. I also had to put in all the LOST and HEROES books I have. What am I without my TV show memorabillia?

Today I threw out; lots of papers, a few books because I'm attached to my literature, some knick knacks.

Today I packed for storage: TV show memorabillia, my extensive collection of rubber bracelets, collage posters from two different periods of my life, a couple jewlery boxes, my kokeshi doll, and all my little pigs that I've collected whilst in Michigan [trust me, it's extremely small considering the amount of pigs I have in storage from Hawaii somewhere...] and the rest of my books.

Someday soon I am going to have to go through my clothes. I have to cut my wardrobe in half since my apartment barely has space for 2 people's clothes, and I have enough clothes for 3 people.

Before
After
My poor bookless shelf!

Buffalo Trip #1

I just recently went to Buffalo over the weekend. I got back midnight on Wednesday. It was a trip! We went to get our apartment and get Don registered for school. I unfortunently did not do anything for school because I made the last minute desicion to change schools from Niagara County Community College to Erie Community College [ECC is closer to Don's school so the transportation won't be ridiculous]. This is how our trip went.

DAY 1
Our flight was at 6am, so we had to wake up very early to go. It was Don's first airplane ride. I was very excited for this. I couldn't wait to hold his hand and tell him about all the new things he didn't know about.
Our flight all together lasted until 10, and when I got off the plane and got to restaurant to eat, I couldn't believe they were still serving breakfast.
For the rest of the day we went around Buffalo then got a hotel. The apartment complex was closed so we couldn't see inside of it. We live on a main drag with a BK, library, Citgo, and Don's school [D'Youville] all there for our easy access. And a bus stop to take the 3 mile trip into the city. We live a few blocks from this beautiful artsy neighborhood called Allentown. It consists of beautiful gardens, trees and bright purple and yellow buildings. Unfortunently, I didn't get any pictures because I thought it would be weird to stand outside of someone's house and take pictures. Basically, it's a suburbia for artsy people. My newest, biggest dream is to live there. Years down the road, I plan to buy a junky house there and renovate it and paint it and make it all my own.

We took a tour of Don's school which was an old catholic church, turned into a catholic nursing school, and now it's a catholic college, well known for their nursing and doctors program. It's a beautiful old building, exactly what an old college would look like. I am extremely envious of Don for being able to go to such a beautiful school.

After the tour we went to the Anchor Bar, where the first Buffalo wings were made. I must say that honestly... my Dad's wings were better. I don't think I'm a big fan of authentic wings, only because they fry their wings here and I prefer mine baked so I can still taste the delicious, fatty skin. Is that sacriligous of me or what?

Me chowing down wings like a sloppy retard

Our waitress.

Day 2
Don took his placement test today and was cranky because of it. His mother and I walked up and down Porter and walked to the apartment and looked at it.
This is the front of the complex. I didn't get any pictures of the inside.

The apartment is... what you're paying for. $425 a month for a hotel sized room. No storage, small kitchen, only room for a dresser, a bed, and an arm chair. My heart sunk when I first saw it. I couldn't believe they actually sold apartments this small to people. But I know that I can't find a better deal. It's very safe, clean, and quiet, and close to everything we need. And it's right next to the bridge to Canada which has many perks [such as 19 yrs drinking age and dodging of the draft should it pull through]. I don't see us finding anything more convinient than that!

The landlord was a prick. He was rude and arrogant. He laughed at us for being from some small town he didn't hear about, laughed at Don's mother's credit and didn't believe her when she said that everything was paid on it. I picked up quite an attitude towards him, and I let him know it. I was ready to leave and tell him where he can put his cramped apartment when Don told him that we planned on paying all of our months ahead of time. He told Donna that all he needed was a pay stub from her job, and we got the apartment. As Don and I were walking out with another manager to choose our apartment, he said to Donna "I don't think she likes me very much." Which is true. So now I already have managerial issues.

And now I have a small apartment and a rude landlord, but a lot of love and optimism. They're all road blocks and bumps in my road. But somehow, I'm making it through all of them. I guess this is meant to be.

Day 3
Don registered for school. I had to sit through orientation, then deal with a very cranky, confused and hungry boy after that. It wasn't that bad after he got some gummi bears.

It was a rainy day so we didn't do much other than sit in the hotel. We had an 8th story suite which would've had a decent view of the city had it not been for the damned cancer institute in the way! All weekend Donna was completely obsessed with a building we saw in the horizon. She could not let it go. I think she lost sleep over it. I thought it was kind of endearing. I however, didn't learn that I was looking at the wrong building the entire time until the next day.

Day 4
Today consisted of a lot of waiting and traveling home. We traveled home pretty late. The only thing I like about the Detroit Metro is the fact that I can get ume sushi there. I can't get ume sushi anywhere else. I look forward to travelling only for that. So Don and I went to get it in the Detroit Metro and rode the ExpressTran a couple times to satiate his curiosity.
While he wrung his hands together in anxiety, I enjoyed my last night of sleep on his lap until we move in.

It was a stressful, yet productive trip. I believe I'm still recovering. I can't believe that this is finally upon me. Don and I have been planning this trip for a long time. Dreaming of it, planning it, fighting about it. Many times have we laid together and said "When we get our apartment..." and "When we live together...". And now it's finally here. That apartment waiting for us on the border of Canada and the US, on Porter Avenue, next to Busti Ave. is real. Buffalo is real. The bus I've dreamnt about riding is taking people around right now. My college is awaiting me. So many doors to be opened are sitting in front of me. I feel like it's not even real. I feel as if I'm on auto pilot right now.

Beep Beep...

Here's some more pictures of our adventures.

In the old stairwell of D'Youville

The coolest kids we know!

Before Don's first flight. We're too tired and nervous for real smiles.

Recognition.

I went to a play in Alpena yesterday because that's just a thing my grandmother and I do. I saw a good friend there, and I guess he told some of his family that I write for the Alcona paper because during intermission, some woman passed her flyer back to me;

"Hi- Your paper is exceptional its it's a variety of news and good columns-a good mix of liberal and conservatism. It's better than the Cincinnati paper and I look forward to reading it during my summer here"

Isn't this just amazing?

You Saw It Here First!: Charting a Course for Harrisville

What are the greater aspects of Harrisville? What are some of Harrisville’s issues? And more importantly, what does Harrisville look like 20 years into the future?

These were the three questions that the July 13th Community Input Session revolved around. Starting at 7pm, the Harrisville Harbor’s meeting room opened its doors to any citizen of Harrisville who wanted to make their opinion known. The meeting was run by Rick Duall, senior planner and Denise Cline, community planner at NEMCOG (Northeast Michigan Council of Governments). There was an exceptional turnout which resulted in the small meeting room to be filled with the many strong voices of the people.

NEMCOG offers a variety of services that help Northeast Michigan grow and sustain itself, including; community planning, grant writing assistance, economic development, data distribution, transportation, and regional planning. At the “Charting a Course for Harrisville” meeting they offered their community planning services to the people to help them focus on future ideas for the county.

The meeting was broken up into three exercises. The first was for every attendee to say what they liked the most about Harrisville. Why did they move here? What would they like to protect? The second exercise was for every attendee to now say what they thought were some of the issues of Harrisville. What would they like to change? What were some negative aspects of their county? Each idea was written on poster paper and posted around the room. During the break, attendees were given three green stickers and three red stickers and were invited to narrow down their opinion of what was the best and what was the worst of Harrisville. After this, attendees were allowed to dream aloud about what their precious county looked like 20 years into the future.

Results showed that some of the more important issues were the condition of sidewalks, lack of youth activities, bad water lines, and overgrowth of weeds around the harbor. More popular assets were the great reputation of the harbor, the city’s small town character, opportunities for walking and biking, events, and the amount of dedicated volunteers.

These opinions will be taken to the NEMCOG office where they will make an appendix of the people’s opinions and compare this information with background studies and graph goals and objectives. In September 2009, they will go to the City Planning Commission where they will refine these ideas and set a guideline for the development and growth of Harrisville.

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I wrote this Tuesday, the day after the meeting and Cheryl loved it. I think she thinks it's my best article, but she's so impressed, especially because of my lack of knowledge going into this situation. She used the phrase "Wow." Just like that. With the period at the end. She hurried up and put it on the front page of the newspaper!

Jenny Goes to Court

I went to district court today for a little learning experience. I learned a bit about how the court system worked and whos who in the county office. I am sort of disappointed in myself for not being more interested but... I got the grasp enough to write an article on county/city politics in the future.

Learning Experience for today; Don't drink and drive, don't get stuck in the system, and don't try to learn the entire system on 7 hours of sleep.

My First Community Meeting.

Today my editor had me attend a community input session titled "Charting a Course for Harrisville." It was held at the harbor, the livelihood of our county, at 7pm.


I was very nervous prior to this. Sometimes when I get nervous about doing interviews or such, I think "I don't want to be a journalist!" It's usually screamed inside my head in a voice that one would have as they are being dragged into a never ending pit. But I put on my silky red polka dot shirt, skinny jeans, and high heels anyways and show up and I do alright.


My problem was that everyone who attended this meeting was between the ages of 45-60 years old and they are highly involved in the community. The mayor was there, a Gauthier was there [The Gauthiers are like royalty in Alcona because there's so many of them and they're all rich and into communal politics], and a woman who's grandfather bought the factory that kept money in Harrisville. All these people who know so much about Harrisville and I've only lived here for two years, I was surprised that they were putting in new water lines which I guess has been in the process of being done for about a year.


I was greatful that my editor Cheryl was there. I felt a little bit more comfortable having someone there with me, especially my boss. There were a few times where I just seemed like a young, naive stupid kid who didn't know much about what was going on, which I can't deny the fact that that's exactly what I am. I am unfortunently too outspoken to keep quiet, even if I don't know what I'm talking about. For some reason I can't sit there quietly and not participate. But I was smart enough to keep my useless input to a minimum.


I listened as all the elders of Harrisville complained about sidewalks and the DNR refusing to cut down overgrown weeds around the harbor. It actually got pretty heated in there a couple times, especially since almost everyone there are friends or neighboors or more importantly; enemies. There were years old arguments and gripes brought up and some more recent arguments brought up. But the goal was met; what are the best things about Harrisville and what are the worst things, and how can we fix them?

Yes, overall it was an experience. I've realized that you can't shake your fist at the big guy on top, you have to get down and dirty with your community first.

You Saw It Here First!: Lexi's On Main

Starting your own beauty salon with your sister almost sounds like a fantasy. Yet that is exactly what Lexi Tracy and Adrienne Orefice did on December of 2008. Lexi Tracy and Adrienne Orefice are two young, talented sisters who have always had a passion for beauty. They took that passion and got their beauty licenses at the Alpena Beauty Academy.

Tracy, being older, has held her license longer than Orefice. She worked at Illusions in Harrisville right after she graduated from beauty school. Orefice got her license a few years after and wanted to work with her sister. They talked about it for a little bit, and decided to buy a small vacant building on the west side of Main Street in December. With its large windows at the front that displays two hair cutting stations, it looked like the perfect place to buy a salon.

The inside is casual and hip, with two salon chairs on either side of the front of the window and a couple of dryer chairs. Customers will be offered coffee, and they can sit on the couch or lounge chairs and watch MTV while they wait for their appointments. Tracy and Orefice wanted their business to have a feel of a living room that the younger crowd would love to be in and that’s exactly what they have.

In addition to the usual hair services such as perms, dye jobs, and cuts, Lexi’s Main St. Salon also offers a private nail room, where nail technician Orefice will do manicures and pedicures in private.

Lexi’s Main St. Salon is located at 207 E Main St in Harrisville. It is open Monday, Tuesday, Friday from 9am to 5pm, Thursday from 11am to 7pm, and Saturday from 9am to 3pm. They offer their services year round.

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I had an extremely hard time doing this article. The interview was horrible, the two girls barely even spoke. They answered my questions just barely. I was surprised that I had enough information to muster this and I must say, I am very proud of myself.

You Saw It Here First!: Tac2Outfitters

Tac2Outfitters known for their services to emergency vehicles all over the county, has recently included a detailing section of their business for citizens of Alcona that don’t intend to protect and serve.

For two years, Tac2 has provided and installed emergency equipment such as sirens, medical equipment, and scanners into police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances. Tac2Outfitters orders equipment for vehicles and will install and repair any of the equipment they sell. Following in his father’s footsteps, owner Mike Jones has had experience with upfitting emergency vehicles for 18 years. After spending 10 years in law enforcement, he decided to open an upfitting business. Harrisville seemed to be the perfect location for such a business because “it is the only place not saturated with this sort of business” Jones says.

A month ago, Jones decided to add detailing to the list of services his business provides. Starting at $100 for a full detail of a vehicle, Jones and his team will wash and wax the exterior and clean upholstery inside the vehicle. Prices will go up depending on the size of the vehicle. Tac2 will detail anything ranging from small cars to RVs and boats.

Business hours for Tac2 are 9am-4pm, Monday through Friday and 1pm-4pm on Saturday. Their website http://www.tac2outfitters.com/ includes an extensive list of the equipment they sell. They are located at 348 S US-23, across from the Harrisville State Park.

Adventures in Creative Writing.

I have a few things I want to talk about.

I have been working on this story called "Just a Girl From Rushmore High" for a year now. I have about 19 chapters written in my notebook, and it was really going places, but it wasn't written the way I wanted to. I have had this idea for a long time of a desperate author stealing a young girl's blog to plagiarize it and what would ensue soon after that. My story was ok, there were a few plot holes and not enough of the characters were developed enough, and since a lot of it was mindlessly written, the writing wasn't that great.

This is the premesis.

First of all, "Just a Girl From Rushmore High" is the second novel I've tried to write since I moved to Michigan about a year and a half ago. I am sort of upset at myself when I think about this. I like to call myself a writer but in all honesty, I haven't written much. I write a lot in my journal, and I have a lot of short stories, and I think about writing a lot, but compared to a lot of people my age, I just haven't really written anything. I am really dedicated to this story. Don thinks that I should lose it and try a different story idea, but I can't. I have to finish this story.

I have been writing it for a while. I would write it in class and on the bus all the time. Then all of a sudden I had a research essay to write and then immediately after that I had my exams. I was to pick it up after I graduated, but the look of those three notebooks full of crap sitting there just intimidated me. I felt like I lost contact with my characters and my plot. I haven't written a single thing since at least May.

Since I started writing it, I also got very into Fiction Press, which is where I post these works. I was reading all kinds of stories and leaving lots of good reviews, hoping the same favor would be returned to me. I was also in search of someone who could truly help me with my story. I gave up after this person flaked out on me, but then I got high speed and I decided to give it another go. I believed [and still do] that another writer to bounce ideas off of would do wonders for my work. When I write I feel like I am lost and alone in this jungle of ideas and my vision is very foggy. I feel that if I had a friend to help me, I wouldn't feel so lost.

I went on a desperate search. I searched on every writers forum I could find. And now I am happy to say that I have found two people to help me with writing. One, a 14 year old, is helping me with writing excersices, and another, a 17 year old, is helping me figure out my story and help me with plot holes. I don't know how people can write alone, but perhaps that is because they're good writers who can get their thoughts down very easily. All I know is I feel so inspired and motivated when I have someone to talk to about it.

I am also happy to say that I have restarted my story. I have changed the gender of the second main character, taken out a few characters, and added a little bit of backstory. I am currently having a problem trying to figure out how to write the author's point of view in this story, but I have realized that if I take my time with it and actually concentrate, I can do much better.

I also realized today that sometimes I write in the way you would see something in a movie. When I do that, my writing comes out very bland. For example, I was writing my first chapter today and I was trying to start it off. I started off visualizing what my character would be doing. My character ended up getting out of bed and the narrative continued to say that she had writers block. This is what would happen in a movie. You would watch a character get out of bed. I scratched that immediately, knowing that if I started my first chapter this way, the rest of my story wouldn't have a chance. I have learned that I am not writing a movie here, I am writing a book, and I need to stop not taking chances and just write in a way that shows the reader more than tells them.

It may be a while before I get this story done, but hopefully not too long. I hope to not spend a year writing this story. I would like to finish it and clear my mind up for another story that I will like better, one that I can write using current experiences. This story is about a 15 year old girl and I am very much past this stage in my life, despite the fact that it haunts me. I watched a movie today and got thinking about mothers and daughters and how mothers are so attached to their children sometimes, so attached that they can be controlling. And I thought how that must start early on when the child is in the womb, but then thought that I had no idea. And for a brief [totally not serious] second, I kind of wished I was pregnant just so I can feel that bond with another human being. But I'm not pregnant and don't plan to be pregnant anytime soon.

My point is this; I could write about that experience if I were pregnant. But right now, I can write about making life changing decisions in your youth, thinking you have the world in your hand, thinking you own everything and you will never fail. This is what I can write about because this is what I am experiencing. But how can I write about that when I have to finish this story about the 15 year old?

I'm sorry for rambling, and I know that my posts have been pretty invaluable lately. I have been extremely clouded. Sometimes I don't really know how I feel, and therefore cannot express those feelings. It is a very frustrating situation for me to be in, so I stay far away from writing in my journal or blog to keep my self esteem at a healthy level.

I Have Learned...

That you really can't force anything. Sometimes, there's a rock that just refuses to move and you need to leave it alone and stop pushing it.

I am the one who will stay at the rock from morning until night and push and push, persistent in trying to get it to move. I will push until someone comes up to me and tells me that it's not going to move and to stop. And I will most likely lean on that rock and cry through my frustration and heartbreak.

I cannot leave things well enough alone and I refuse to give up. Sometimes this is nice. Other times, it really gets you nowhere but exactly where you were before, but crying on a rock this time.

Sometimes I think that I'm "go-with-the-flow" and I am up for anything, anytime, anywhere. But truthfully, I'm not. And I have learned that I need to know things ahead of time and have it in my mind otherwise I will get extremely confused. I cannot make plans an hour before they need to happen and I cannot have plans changed on me without getting very frustrated. This can be a hassle to those around me who try to do things differently and are met with my hard, frustrated head. I can end up throwing fits and getting my way, but end up hurting those involved or making them sacrifice what they want.

The truth is, I am not a very relaxed person no matter how badly I want to be. I am actually pretty uptight and anxious.

While my 4th of July was horrible, it was a learning experience and it was a definite slap in my selfish face. I want to apologize to those I stepped on through the night, and turn my cheek to those who stepped on me.